


Until the end

by DragonScout



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 09:26:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4871593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonScout/pseuds/DragonScout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a small Destiel fanfic about Cas falling from grace in the fifth season, but it focuses on Dean's feelings about the process as he realizes how much the angel means to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until the end

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, this is the first time I've posted any of my writings online, so please don't kill me for this.  
> I'm German, so I'd like to apologize for any typos, misspellings or grammar mistakes. I really tried my best to find them all, but I guess they just keep hiding.  
> Enjoy :)

It had been a few months since Sammy said yes to Lucifer and started his rampage around the globe. After that the world had gone to shit pretty fast. Almost every major city was crawling with croates now and a week ago, Dean had lost Bobby to those bastards.  
Cas had started to lose his mojo after the angels had left the playing field and the stupid sonofabitch still refused to leave his side.  
“Dammit, Cas!” Dean yelled at him. “What are you even still doing here? We're chasing our tails with this stupid mission!”  
The angel tilted his head like he did so often, looking Dean straight in the eye and stepping a little closer, their noses now almost touching. “This 'stupid mission',” he said solemnly, “is everything, Dean. You said if we could find the Colt, we might still be able to stop Lucifer. Maybe even save Sam.”  
The mention of his little brother made Dean's voice crack. “Sammy's gone, okay Cas?” Choking back tears, he went on. “And this is a frigging suicide run! You should be long gone now, safe!”  
“Dean.” Cas grabbed Dean's shoulder, the one where he had left his hand print when he had raised him from hell. “Dean, I won't leave.”  
Sure, Dean felt comforted, Castiel was a friend after all and he knew he could always count on the angel, but the thought of watching him die scared Dean. Because if there was one thing Dean was really good at, it was letting down the people he loved. No kidding, everyone he'd ever cared about was dead, except Cas.  
“You know we have zero shot at walking out of this alive.” Dean said.  
Castiel clenched his jaw, his eyes fixed on Dean's. It was impossible not to stare back. “I don't have anywhere else to go Dean.” He answered. “No friends, no family, no allies. I gave it all up for you, Dean, for this mission. And I'll stay with you until the end.”  
Guilt and anger flushed through Dean, why did Cas ever do all this in the first place? Stupid! Still he couldn't help but feel grateful for not having to face this chaos alone. Dean knew could live a million years and he wouldn't deserve a friend as loyal as Cas.  
And that fallen angel was all Dean had now. He wouldn't let Castiel down. Not after all he'd done for him and not after Dean had let down everyone else. The hunter needed Cas, but most of all he needed him safe. If the angel wasn't leaving, Dean would have to make sure he survived the war. Somehow Cas would make it through this, Dean swore to himself.  
“Alright, Cas.” He nodded. “All we have is each other, right? Might as well ride down this cliff together.”

The next months were a nightmare in which Dean and Cas had to fight for their lives and the hunter was embarrassed to admit that he wouldn't have made it a week if it hadn't been for the angel's help. On their search for the Colt or at least some information about its whereabouts, they had stumbled into a handful of survivors and that had given Dean the idea of trying to organize a team. Because in this war with thousands of croates on their asses, there was such a thing as safety in numbers.  
There were Risa, Jimmy, Benny, some chick called Tess, Steve and Frank. It wasn't much, but it was better than running into a group of croates all alone.  
They armed themselves, set up Camp and defended it against attacks form demons or zombies. From there, they continued to gather information and started missions.  
Cas, of course, barely left the hunter's side and where this was maybe a little creepy, Dean had never felt more safe in his life. The angel never tired, never slept and was more perceptive than any human. And he wasn't going anywhere. Literally. The angel had lost his ability to zap from place to place shortly after Dean had organized his Camp. But it wasn't just that he'd just stopped doing it, Cas seemed to be in pain from then on, his trademark frown deeper than usual.  
„It's nothing, Dean.“ Cas tried to assure him, even though he looked as if someone had broken his legs. „I'm fine.“  
But Dean knew that his friend was hurting.  
One night when Dean was on duty, slowly making his rounds outside the small group of huts, tents and shacks. A glimmer of silver and black caught his eye and the hunter stopped and stared. There she was. His beloved baby was still here. Unused since they'd settled here, but not forgotten. It pained Dean to see the beautiful car like this, but he had to get his priorities straight here. After all this was over, he'd fix her first thing.  
Since it was calm tonight and Dean's shift was almost over anyway, he decided to pay his baby a visit. Treading softly, he pushed himself past a few bushes and froze. The car wasn't empty.  
On the backseat, there sat Castiel, curled up against the door, head rested against the window.  
Angels didn't sleep, Dean knew that but there Cas was, snoring softly, sleeping tightly inside Dean's trusty Impala.  
Dean didn't know what to do, the situation was almost ridiculous, and he had no idea how to handle it. Worry for the angel made the hunter eventually decide to just sit next to the angel and wait for him to wake up. He sure would have liked being angry because Cas hadn't told him about his need to sleep, but the sight of him actually... well actually sleeping was so strange that he didn't know how to feel.  
An hour or so before dawn, Cas finally shifted and awoke, stretching with his eyes still closed and letting out a soft groan.  
“What the hell, Cas?” Dean asked.  
The angel gave a jump, saw Dean and straightened himself indignantly, running a hand through his face. “Dean.” He sighed. “What are you doing here?”  
“What are you doing here?” Dean snapped back. He knew he wasn't supposed to be angry, but why didn't Cas tell him about this? “You've been sleeping?”  
“Yes.” Was Castiel's gruff response.  
“Okay.” Dean made a face, nodded to himself. “Great. Cas, angels don't sleep.”  
Squinting his eyes, Cas cocked his head. “I am aware of that, Dean.”  
“Oh don't you smartass me, you know what I mean!” Now Dean's voice got a little louder, but he didn't care. “How long?”  
Cas avoided his gaze, taking a few moments before answering: “A few days.”  
“A few... Great. Awesome.“ the hunter nodded. „And why did you hole up in here instead of telling me?”  
“You have other issues, Dean.” Finally, Cas looked him in the face again, but his eyes were hard. “And my grace has been fading since I was cast out of heaven. This was to be expected, Dean. You should concern yourself with bigger matters.”  
“Bigger than your mojo fading away? Cas, you're becoming human.”  
“Like you are, yes.” Castiel replied irritated. “And every other member of your group. The loss of my powers doesn't change anything.”  
For Cas, the conversation was at an end, he broke eye contact and got out of the car. Dean followed him and leaned to the Impala next to him. “How much grace have you got left?” he asked, now more calmly.  
Castiel didn't face him when he answered, instead watching the horizon where the sky got brighter every second. “Enough.”  
Enough for what, Dean wanted to ask, but then the sun rose and sent an orange beam laughing across the camp and on Cas' face. And for the first time, Dean noticed that the angel's flawless appearance had changed. His stubble was longer, looked somewhat gruffier than usual, there were bags under his tired looking eyes and his familiar clothing looked crinkled and dirty.  
The realization of what was happening to Castiel hit Dean like a sharp jab in the chest.  
Eventually, Cas peered his way again, seeing the look Dean gave him and he assured: “I'm fine, Dean.” There was something like a smile curling his lips, but it made Dean feel even more terrible.  
“Let's just get you inside, huh, Cas?”  
Castiel nodded and followed Dean. They had walked about half the way to the camp when he finally asked: “Dean? I believe I need some new clothing.”

It was weird to see Cas without his trench coat, suit and tie. Now he wore clothing very similar to Dean's and he knew they would both have to get used to this first.  
This day, Castiel also admitted being hungry and made Dean wonder whether the former angel had any grace left at all.  
“Dean, I don't want you to worry about me.” Cas said at the end of the day. “You are human, too. And you keep fighting. Who says I can't just because I lost my powers?”  
“It's just...” Dean couldn't bring himself to look at Cas. This was all his fault. Castiel should be in heaven now, far away from all this chaos, far away from Dean, he should be warm and well and safe. Instead he started to break apart like everything else around Dean, becoming more human every day. It was still Cas, Dean knew that, he had barely changed, but he had. And to watch the powerful, strong angel fade into a broken man with nothing left to believe in but Dean was harder than knowing the world was going to end very soon. “I'm sorry, man.”  
But Castiel hadn't heard it. He had fallen asleep.  
Weird to say, but it had taken Dean an entire day to realize that he needed to take care of a place for Cas to stay for the nights. The hunter insisted his friend would stay in the tent closest to his own, so in case the Camp got attacked, he'd be able to reach Castiel quickly.  
That first night the angel slept in his tent went by normally at first, Dean was unable to sleep, but that wasn't exactly unusual. Guilt over this terrible situation always caught up with him at the end of each day, so he always tried to get as much work done as he could. More work meant less time he could spend alone with his thoughts.  
As always, Dean just laid on his back and quietly hummed Metallica to calm himself, then he heard the scream form Cas' just a few feet next to him.  
The hunter was on his feet and outside in a manner of a few seconds, almost ripping Castiel's tent apart trying to get inside. „Cas!“  
The angel was panting as if he'd just been in a fight when Dean finally managed to open the tent. Looking at him with his blue eyes wide in shock, Cas kicked off his blanket and sat up, appearently still unable to speak.  
„You're okay, Cas.“ Dean said as he crawled inside and sat next to Cas awkwardly. „It's okay. Calm down. It was just a dream.“  
The angel blinked and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.  
„You okay?“ For some reason, Dean's hand rested himself on Cas' shaking shoulder.  
Almost instantly, Cas stopped shivering. „I'm fine, Dean.“ he panted finally. „Sorry for waking you.“  
„No, man. It's okay.“ the hunter assured. Not daring to ask what the angel had dreamt about, he added. „Happens to the best of us.“  
Cas shook his head slowly, looking into thin air. „I have known about the function and nature of dreams, but I had no idea it would be anything like this.“ his voice had steadied itself by now, if still a bit hoarse form screaming.  
Unsure of what to say (and of what his hand still did on the angel's shoulder), Dean tried to cheer him up. „Yeah nightmares can be a real sonofabitch.“ he agreed. „But hey, there's still the really good dreams. Go read some bustyasianbeauties before sleeping. Works like a charm, if you know what I mean.“  
But of course Cas didn't. With a look of pure concern, Cas looked up to Dean. „I've never had a good dream.“ Just how did an angel, superhuman and powerful and eons old manage to look like a frightened helpless child? Dean didn't know, but Cas had found a way.  
„Well you've only been sleeping a few times now.“ Dean reasoned. „I'm sure it'll be fine. Sure, this is a shitty time, but I'm human, too. And I'm fine.“  
At that, Castiel's trademark frown returned to his face. „But how do you manage it?“  
Dean actually played with the thought of giving an honest answer, but this would only have raised more questions. So he forced himself to smile. „Porn.“  
Cas' swallowed and looked down to his hands. „I don't think that would work for me.“  
Not that Dean would ever say it out loud, but he had kinda expected an answer like that. But he had to help the angel somehow. After all if it hadn't been for Dean in the first place, Cas wouldn't have to deal with sleeping and bad dreams. „Hey uh...“ the hunter didn't like the idea settling itself inside his head, but he kind of did. „Why don't you take your sleeping bag and come over to my tent?“  
In utter confusion, Cas tilted his head. „Sleep in your tent?“  
„Yeah, I mean,“ Dean finally took his hand of Castiel's shoulder. „I mean there's technically enough space for two and you're still new to this whole sleeping thing.“  
There was an awkward silence. Even the hunter himself knew how ridiculous this idea was.  
„If you'd be alright with that.“ Cas carefully mumbled, obviously feeling Dean's slight discomfort.  
„Until you're used to this, okay?“  
„Thank you, Dean.“

“Alright, guys!” This was Risa, the hot, tough looking woman who had been in the team for some time now. “We're gonna get the Colt today! Get up! C'mon, get up!”  
Dean woke up next to Cas. The tent was big enough for them to be comfortable but not to close to each other to make things awkward. It felt nice not to be alone at night and that way he always knew Cas was safe with him.  
Dean sat up, stretching and nudging Castiel awake as well. “Alright, I'm leaving, Cas. Gonna be back tonight if everything goes well.”  
Squinting at Dean, Cas sat up. “What are you talking about?”  
Dean blinked. “The Colt, remember? Our only shot at icing Lucifer? I'm getting it today?”  
“Yes, I know that.” Cas frowned. “Why are you assuming I'm staying here?”  
Dean froze in shock. “No way, Cas!” he shouted. “You're not coming!”  
“Why not?” The angel seemed honestly confused.  
“It's too dangerous, man!”  
“It is too dangerous for you to go all alone.” Castiel replied solemnly. “I'll protect you.”  
“I don't need you to protect me, Cas! You can't help here, okay?”  
“I am practiced with firearms.” Cas stood up, facing Dean in that way only he could and making him forget everything he was about to say. “That means I can do everything that you can. Dean.” He growled when Dean was about to object. “I'm not leaving you alone.”  
“Dammit, Cas.” Dean said, but Cas already left the room to have breakfast with the other guys.  
It didn't take much longer until they were on the road. Dean, Risa, Benny, Tess, Jimmy, Steve and Cas all in one car stuffed with guns, knives and holy water. Every seat was taken, and yet it was completely silent, everybody wanted to think for themselves, Dean assumed and he didn't blame them. Cas, too, looked out of the window calmly and Dean wondered what he was thinking about.  
He never found out. The town was crawling with demons and croates, their tiny group was driven apart in a matter of only a few minutes and Dean was out of ammo, running for his life. After he had stabbed five demons or so, twenty more were on his heels, one of them with a gun.  
In mid run, Dean felt himself flung aside by one of them, he hit his head on the street and was unable to stand up. This was it, then.  
But it wasn't. “Dean!” That was Cas' voice. He ran out of an alleyway close to him, pointed his gun and shot. Rock salt and holy water drove the demons back until Dean was back on his feet.  
Relieved to see his friend alive, Dean nodded at Cas, who grabbed his jacket and shoved him into the shadows of the alley.  
“Are you alright?” Cas asked.  
Dean was still panting, but he nodded. “Nice timing, Cas. Where are the others?”  
“The city square.” he looked around wildly. “But we're overrun by a hoard of demons, too. We need to leave, Dean. There isn't much time left.”  
“What about the Colt?” Was Cas giving up? Dean furiously jabbed Cas' shoulder. “The friggin Colt, man! It's our only hope!”  
“The Colt won't do any good if we die trying to get it!” Cas snapped back. “Now let's go, I've cleared a path.”  
But Dean picked himself up and took off running where he had been heading before.  
“Dean!” the angel shouted after him, but Dean didn't listen. He couldn't fail. He would get the Colt. Here and now.  
Before he had made a hundred feet, a demon stepped out from behind a building, aiming a gun at him. Dean heard the shot, felt the cold bullet pierce his chest and before he even knew what was happening, his legs failed and he stumbled and fell. Roughly, he landed on his shoulder, hearing the demon laugh faintly and knowing that it came his way.  
Unable to breathe and shaking with pain and fear, Dean rolled on his back, holding his wound and he felt the blood run out of him. A pair of feet appeared in his field of vision and he knew that he was about to be ended any moment now.  
But instead, Dean heard a shot, then a grunt of pain from the demon. Then Castiel's deep, gravely voice chanting an exorcism and the demon left with a scream and a rush.  
Desperately gasping for air, Dean clenched his fists, coughing up blood and feeling his strength fail. Cas came running next to him now, falling to his knees and dropping his gun.  
“Dean.” Cas looked lost and scared now, almost like a child.  
Somehow Dean managed to look him in the eyes. It was a nice sight to die to. “Sorry, Cas.” he breathed. “Get out of here.” The pain made Dean's vision flicker, but Cas' face was still visible.  
He shook his head. “No, Dean.” Tentatively, the angel stretched out his hand and reached for Dean's shattered chest.  
“Cas, no.” Dean realized what Cas was going to do. “You can't. You're not strong enough.”  
But Cas didn't stop and Dean desperately tried to grab his hand to stop him, but he was too weak by now. First, Dean felt the pain of his friend's hand on his wound, then a soothing relief spread out through him and his wound closed.  
Just as Dean felt whole and put together again, Cas collapsed soundlessly next to him.  
“Cas?” Hastily, Dean sat up, his heart racing with panic. “Cas!” He nudged him, shook him, and got no response. “Cas!” Desperately, Dean grabbed him, pulled him closer and rested the angel's head on his lap, searching his face for traces of life. “No, no, no, no, don't do this to me...” His hand clamped Cas's jacket, he shook the limp body again. “Cas, please.” he whimpered, feeling his voice break. “I need you, man. I need you here with me.”  
Only now Dean thought of checking for a pulse and fumbled on Cas' neck to get past the collar. It wasn't easy with his hands shaking this hard.  
Dean closed his eyes, exhaled in relief. The angel was alive. Despite the danger he was still in, he pulled the knocked out Cas into a long, warm hug, thankful to have him. He didn't know why, but tears swelled in his eyes.  
“I got you, Cas.” He breathed. “It's gonna be okay.”

They had to carry Cas back out. Risa hadn't made it, Jimmy was hurt pretty bad, but the others had survived this mission. The Colt was forgotten, they didn't pretend to have any hopes to get it any more. Not today, anyway.  
Dean didn't drive, he wanted to stay with Cas. It was done now, Cas was all human and it looked like he'd used up the last bit of his grace to save him. Hoping his friend would wake up soon so he could kick his ass, Dean closed his eyes for a moment. If it hadn't been for Cas, he would be dead now. Dean had realized form the very first moment that Castiel could well have died trying to save him. Why did that stupid sonofabitch never listen? Dean could have lost Cas. He could have lost him forever. It had been too close, far too close. Dean wouldn't allow the fallen angel to join another mission. He didn't know what he would do if anything happened to Cas. Once more, Dean realized that Cas was all he had left. And the thought of losing him made him shiver with fear and cold.  
By the time they arrived by the camp, Cas was still out, so they carried him to the sick bay. This tiny shack was occupied by Jimmy and the angel now, but the man was doing okay so far. Nobody had any idea about Cas, though. It was not like stuff like angel health was commonly known or any information about it available. So they could only wait and hope for Cas to wake up.  
Benny kept prodding Dean for hours after they had arrived, but Dean refused to leave Castiel's side.  
“Dean, they all want you to say something! Common man, Cas won't get better this way.”  
“How about you leave me the hell alone!” Dean snapped back. Hours of arguments had worn his patience thin.  
A hand placed itself on his shoulder gently. “Risa is fucking dead, Dean. And we haven't gotten any closer to the Colt, either. You just have to say something about that, man, anything!”  
“Hey, you know what?” Wearily, Dean rubbed his eyes. “You think you know what to say? Then go say it, Benny.”  
Benny waited a few minutes, obviously pissed and keen to say more, but he decided to leave before Dean started throwing punches.  
Cas looked worn out and tired, he obviously had to fight for his life to even get to Dean. There was a narrow, deep cut just above his right eyebrow and something like claws had gotten his cheek just below. His clothing, like everyone's had seen better days and Dean didn't know what about the picture disturbed him so, but probably the fact that Cas' appearance had never really changed before. Any wounds he had gotten during their time together had magically disappeared from one moment to another. Dean felt just sad and guilty looking at his sleeping, broken friend now. It was his fault Castiel was no longer an angel of the lord, shiny wings and immortality and trench coat and all, but nothing more than he was. Just a man trying to fight a war that couldn't be won without really admitting it to himself. Like Dean, Cas had begun to crumple. Like Dean, Cas was getting tired. But unlike Dean, Cas actually was better than this. Cas had deserved better.  
Realizing this once more, Dean blinked. His vision had gotten a little blurry there, not that he was crying or anything. “I'm sorry, Cas.” Dean took Cas' hand. “Please come on back.”  
For the next few hours, the hunter only stared at the motionless figure, praying for those blue eyes to open, praying for Cas to be okay, praying for him to finally wake up. He knew that no one was listening and if anyone did, he didn't care, still his only impulse was to plead. And since he had no one left but this selfish dick called God somewhere out there, he only hoped he at least gave him a piece of his mind.  
“Just wake up man. Please.”  
But the angel didn't wake up. Not for two days.  
When his eyelids finally fluttered open and he sat up with a soft groan, Dean was still sitting next to him.  
“Cas?”  
The angel blinked in confusion and looked at him. “Dean?”  
Almost crying with relief, Dean pulled Castiel into a tight hug. “Man it's good to see you awake!”  
When Dean let go, Cas was still busy collecting himself. “You are alive?”  
“Yeah!” Dean called. “Of course!”  
Still confused and out completely of it, Cas asked: “This isn't heaven, then?”  
“No, you saved my life, man! Don't you remember?” frowning, Dean grabbed Cas' shoulder.  
“Then... then it worked?” Cas looked at him as if he'd suddenly grown two heads. “I wasn't expecting that.”  
“You're okay, Cas.” Dean was still overwhelmed with joy. “It's all gonna be alright.”  
Then he remembered what Castiel had done and he gave him a smack on the head.  
Cas flinched, shrank back. “Ow! What...?!”  
“Why'd you do that, huh?!” he shouted angrily. “I ditch you and you repay me by almost killing yourself?!”  
Still holding his head, Cas replied as dignified as anyone possibly could: “I'm fine, Dean. You said it yourself. I needed to save you.”  
“You were gone for three days, Cas! Three days, that isn't fine!” Dean replied loudly. “And no one told you to save me, I can take care of my own!”  
“Dean, you were shot in the chest.”  
“I would have been fine without you giving up the last of your grace, man!” Only now he lowered his voice a little. “That's what you did, right?”  
Castiel nodded with his eyes set firmly on Dean's. “Yes.”  
“What the hell, Cas?” Dean found himself say, his voice breaking. Quickly, he averted his face so that Cas wouldn't see the tears in his eyes. Dean couldn't even know where they came from exactly.  
“Dean?” Cas shifted next to him. “What's wrong?”  
The next words just burst out. They sounded like an accusation. “The hell were you thinking, man? You're the only one in this godforsaken shithole that I really care about! What do you think I'm gonna do if you're gone? I can't...!” The words slipped away from him, though there was so much more he wanted to say.  
And frigging Cas looked at him like a child getting grounded, looking truly stricken.  
Dean still went on: “You going down this road with me, this isn't right, Cas! It's my mess, it's my friggin' mission, hell, it's my brother the devil's riding around in! This is all on me, I deserve to go through this, I have to try and fix this!” He swallowed hard, looking at the angel who had tilted his head like he did so often when he was about to say something. But Dean didn't let him. “This is my friggin' life, not yours, man! Why the hell would you choose this mess?!”  
Now Dean was done. Like a predator held captive, he paced around, keeping an eye on Cas who still sat on his field bed, head tilted, shining eyes intensely fixed on him. “You still don't think you deserve to be saved, Dean.” He assessed.  
“Yeah.” Dean breathed. “I don't.”  
“Dean, I chose this.” Cas confirmed calmly, solemnly, and in a way that kinda calmed Dean down. “I did. Because it is the right thing. And you are the one who made me understand. Dean, I am grateful for that.”  
The hunter could barely hold Castiel's gaze, but he did his best.  
“This 'mess' isn't yours.” Cas continued. “You just happen to be caught in the middle. And if I can help you clean this up, I will.”  
“No, you won't-” Dean started, but Cas interrupted him.  
“Everything I did, I did for you, Dean. And no, I don't regret it. And I won't leave until this mission is complete or I die trying to help you complete it. Until we end this, I'll watch over you.”  
“I don't want you involved in this, okay?!”  
A soft, shy smile appeared on Cas' face, something so pure and small that it made Dean freeze for a moment there. “What was it you once said?” He murmured, “This is it. Team Free Will. One Ex – Blood junkie, one drop – out with six bucks on his name and Mr. Comatose over there.”  
Dean blinked. How the hell could Cas even have heard that? He'd totally been knocked out.  
Castiel's smile grew a little wider. “Although I'm loosing my overview about the names you sometimes call me, I know I am a member of your 'team'. And I am proud of that.”  
“Team Free Will is dead, Cas.” Dean snapped. “As we will all be soon.”  
“Not if I can stop it.”  
“You can't, okay, Cas?!”  
Cas picked himself up, now. He looked a little shaky, but didn't fall again. “I refuse to give up. I'll do what I can.”  
The former angel was back on his feet in a matter of a few days and Dean believed that everyone was relieved to see Cas back in action. Almost nothing had changed. Castiel helped wherever he could, he even participated in planning a new mission to get the Colt. To Dean, however, this goal now seemed faded, far away and hopeless. All he wanted was to get Cas out of this nightmare. Even if they could get the Colt, then what? Find out where Lucifer was, get the Colt close enough to use it on him and blow his brains out. There was absolutely no way they had a chance of killing Lucifer.  
Another night, Dean wandered through the Camp, sleepless as so often these days.  
“Dean?” That was Cas. Dean hadn't realized he had woken him.  
“Cas? What are you doing here, man?”  
The former angel shrugged. “I heard you got up. You don't sleep enough, Dean.”  
Scoffing, he replied: “You're not my mom, Cas.”  
“No, I'm not.” the angel frowned.  
“Look Cas.” Dean blinked. “I'm okay. Go back to sleep, I'll be there in a minute.” Trying to fake a smile, he turned back, facing the woods beyond the fence.  
There was a silence that told him that Castiel hadn't moved. After a few, long seconds, the angel's deep, somber voice sounded from behind. “Are you alright?”  
Always that question. Every time, Dean's answer was the same and every damn time, whoever had asked knew he was lying. “Yeah I'm good.”  
Dean swore he could actually hear Cas tilt his head and squint at him. “No, Dean. You're not.”  
“I'm worried, man.” Finally, Dean turned around and looked at his friend, who, as he had known, indeed frowned at him with his head tilted.  
“For the Colt?” Cas asked. “We are working on a plan. And we will get it back.”  
If only Cas knew. If only he knew that Dean was worried for him. “At what cost?” He growled unhappily. Last time, they had lost Jimmy and Cas had given the last of his grace to save Dean's life, nearly killing himself in the process. Would they be so lucky next time? How much was it gonna take to get the Colt? And would it be worth it in the end? What if the mission for the Colt was a dead end?  
“Whatever price we have to pay.” Cas replied plainly. Saying this, he looked almost exactly like he used to when he had all these powers running through his veins, back when he'd been that powerful angel who'd saved Dean from hell. There were times when Dean forgot this thing Cas used to be, when he'd seemed as human as he really was, just like everybody else. His expression and tone had changed, had become less gravelly, less serious. Even his trademark frown had sometimes entirely vanished. He just had seemed to adapt and where that was kinda a good thing, Dean had sometimes found it disturbing.  
Now, Cas looked at him and he wasn't the desperate, broken man, not sad or hopeless because of the ending war they were about to lose. In fact, he didn't even look human, then. No, Cas was glowing, burning, determined, strong and full of this light that Dean had always awed at. His gaze was so strong Dean swore, there had to be some grace left in this guy. Castiel was a warrior, ready to fight for Dean, ready to follow him, and ready to die for him if it came to that. And that was when the impact of Cas' words hit him.  
Dean stepped towards the angel and grabbed his shoulder, lifted the other hand to undermine his words. “Listen to me.”  
Cas didn't stop to look at him like his old self.  
“Cas, you stop talking like that. If things go wrong when we go for the Colt, I want you to run, okay?”  
Taken aback, Castiel blinked. “Dean...”  
“Just friggin' run, and don't look back.” He interrupted himself, his eyes fixed on his friend's. “Promise me, Cas!” By now, he was practically clawing into the angel's jacket.  
“I'd do anything for you, Dean.” Cas answered darkly, his intense gaze still on Dean. Somehow, he looked taller now, even though Dean actually had a few inches on him. Castiel went on: “Anything, except that.”  
Dean had to swallow hard. It took him every bit of self control to hold Cas' gaze.  
“I won't leave you, Dean.”  
“Dammit, Cas.”  
Cas didn't reply, but took Dean's hand off his shoulder. “We should get back inside.”  
“Why?” Dean had almost overheard Cas' suggestion. All he wanted to know was how he deserved to have Castiel. What made Dean so special that the angel was willing to follow him this blindly, what made Dean so damn special that Castiel believed in him more than anyone ever had. More than Dean ever could, and knowing exactly why.  
“It's cold here, Dean.” Cas replied innocently, having ended the discussion. “And you need some rest.”  
Numbly, Dean nodded. “Alright.”

Dean had known this day would come, but now that it was here, it didn't seem like half a year at all.  
The team was still as it had been since the last raid and of course Cas was still here, too. Damn, he was probably the only reason Dean hadn't lain down to die already. Dean kept telling himself that after all Castiel had given up for him (and that was everything), he couldn't let him down.  
Now, they were in the truck, guns loaded, minds heavy with worry and fear, but also full of hope.  
False hope, in Dean's case. He barely had any hope left at all. He was done. He just wanted this nightmare to end, one way or another. The worst thing was that Cas had insisted of going with them to, as he put it, “watch over Dean”. Dean played with the thought of just cuffing the angel to the damn car, but that didn't mean no croat or demon would get to him.  
So he had no choice but to let him tag along and make sure he'd be okay at the end of the day.  
But as soon as they came close to the hot zone, Dean knew that something was wrong. There were no croates he could see or hear, when they'd normally be running for them, screaming and with their teeth bared.  
But now? Absolute silence. No demonic smell of sulphur either.  
“I don't like this.” Dean announced.  
Cas looked up from the other end of the truck. “You think it's a trap?”  
“Yeah, but coates aren't smart enough to set one up. Y'all got some holy water? And salt?”  
His team confirmed one after the other.  
“We've got one shot.” Dean said. “One. Now you, you and you, I want you to go in from the west. You two go in from the east. Cas, you're coming with me.”  
Cas looked at him in surprise, but nodded.  
“Alright here's the plan.” Dean continued. “You'll drive them into the city square where Cas and I will join you and help take them down. Until then, you keep them out of our way and ice as many of them as you can.”  
The team nodded.  
“We're going for the Colt and you're going to be the diversion. As soon as we have it, we'll get you out. Be prepared for a lot of croates. This is gonna get hairy.”  
No one objected, no one raised a hand. Everyone accepted Dean's word and everyone had faith in him and in this plan. Dean just hoped they were right.  
Ten minutes he and Cas waited after the others had gone. Too strained to exchange words of encouragement, or any words at all, they squatted next to the truck and when the time was up, their eyes suddenly locked in a way that scared the hell out of Dean. There was a conclusiveness in the angel's eyes that suddenly made him feel sick.  
“We should go.” Castiel eventually said, not moving an inch.  
“Yeah.” Frozen, Dean stared at Cas for just a moment longer, then he stood. “Yeah. Let's go.”  
Dean took the lead, stealthily running from house to house while the guns began to fire in the distance. They had to hurry now. Cas was at Dean's heels at all times and he knew the angel had his back.  
Finally they reached the church where the Colt had to be hidden.  
“C'mon!” Dean made an impatient gesture at Cas, who made a big show of sneaking around a large broken bus. The next moment, he noticed the angel's panicked expression, then a demon in a suit calmly walking around the bus, closer, ever closer to where Cas was hiding.  
“Hey!” Dean yelled, lifting and pointing his gun.  
The demon was his in the chest, fell backwards and Cas quickly recited the exorcism to send it back to hell.  
Finally, Cas was clear and hurried up to join Dean. “You shouldn't have done that.” he mumbled. “The croates could have heard that.”  
Dean shrugged. “Then we'll have to hurry. And they're busy for now, aren't they? C'mon!”  
“Dean, wait.” Cas grabbed Dean and thrust them both against a wall. The angel listened, then he looked at Dean. “This is a trap.” he said calmly. “There should be demons coming for us right now.”  
“There aren't any, Cas! No sulphur, remember? This guy here was probably the only one!”  
Dean turned, entered the church and quickly checked for croates or any other traps but found the big room empty. “It's clear, Cas.” he urged his friend on. “See? No demons anywhere.”  
Finally, the angel moved to follow him inside, all the while checking behind himself for enemies. They closed the door and lowered their guns.  
“How 'bout that, huh?” Dean breathed, turned in search for the stairs that would lead down.  
Cas seemed unusually nervous. “Something is wrong, Dean.” he said.  
“Why? Because something actually goes as it's supposed to?”  
Peering at him, Castiel shook his head. “No. It's something else. I can't put my finger on it.”  
That managed to get a shudder out of Dean. “You mean we're in danger? There's no one here, Cas.”  
Strained, Cas took the last few steps to join him. “I don't know. But we should keep moving.”  
“Great.” Dean concluded. “Then we head downstairs and see if we can find the Colt, right?”  
Cas was silent for a few moments, he seemed to listen for something, but eventually, he mumbled: “All right.”  
Dean grabbed the door handle and pushed tentatively as the aged wood gave a deep creaking noise.  
Keen on being as quite as possible, he descended one stair after the other. His heart raced and he almost would have stopped to catch his breath if it had not been for Cas' soft, reassuring footsteps behind him. Even though the stairs didn't lead down that deep, it took a few minutes to reach to crypt, that's how slowly and carefully they went. Only little light could fight it's way through the overgrown windows, so it was dark, but Dean didn't think they'd need to get the torch light. All in all, he preferred not to take the risk of drawing unwanted attention..  
Dean turned around to Cas and gave him a sign, making him understand that he was supposed to check the rooms on the left. Nodding, the former angel went and opened the first door carefully.  
Dean started on the right side, checking the shelves closest to him and finding nothing at first. And when he had just looked into the first drawer, he heard a shot, then a clattering noise. By the time Cas gave a scream, Dean was already in the hallway where they had split up. The second door on Cas' side was wide open, but now it closed by itself.  
“Cas!” Dean lifted his gun, banged his fist against the door, tried to open it, but it didn't budge. “Sonofabitch!” There was no time to use his lock pick, so Dean took a step back and shot the door's lock. It sprang open and Dean stormed inside, gun raised and looking for Cas.  
“Oh. Hello, Dean.” The voice was familiar, if strangely cold and hard. The face Dean had known and loved all his life, now smirked at him in a way that made him feel sick. It was so unlike Sammy that the hunter had no trouble at all realizing that it wasn't him. No trouble realizing he had to shoot if he wanted to save Cas, who was dangling from his grip by his throat. His eyes shut tightly and his hands clutching at Sam's – no, at Lucifer's arm, Cas gasped for air, but to no avail.  
But Dean was frozen in shock for a total of a few seconds, only then he managed to point his gun at Lucifer's chest.  
Cas gave a grunt, let go of the devil's arm and and reached inside his jacket. Then he pulled out the Colt and tossed it towards Dean. Without pausing or thinking, the hunter dropped his gun and leaped towards Lucifer to catch the weapon, but the archangel was faster, tossed Cas aside and snatched the Colt out of mid – air, stopping Dean's fast approach with his mojo at the same time. Dean was flung into a shelf, got a short glimpse at Castiel who sat up, gasping for air, then he crashed into the aged wood, breaking the whole thing and setting off an avalanche of books and papers. The impact was so hard that Dean's sight went all but black for a moment.  
As soon as he could see properly, the hunter tried to sit up, but froze when he noticed the pair of nice white shoes just a few inches in front of him.  
„I must admit,“ Lucifer purred, „I didn't expect you to come here.“  
Dean blinked. Good. If the bastard wanted to monologue, maybe he could buy some time to recover properly and distract the archangel long enough for Cas to get the hell out of here.  
„I've been looking for this.“ the devil continued, lazily eyeing the Colt. „You don't need it, Dean. Trust me, it won't work on me.“  
Dean bared his teeth. „Then why don't you hand it over? No harm done right?“  
Slowly, Lucifer contorted Sam's face into a nasty smile that showed how inhuman the monster hiding behind the boy's skin truly was. For the first time, Dean felt scared of an angel. Not Uriel with his name calling, not Zachariah with his nasty tricks, not Castiel with his threats to throw him back to hell, not even Michael with all his incredible power, no angel had ever managed to scare Dean. No one except Lucifer with his little smile.  
Behind the devil, Cas had finally picked himself up, eyes on the Colt and getting ready to take it back. But just a moment before the former angel moved, Lucifer cocked his head, then he turned, throwing Castiel against a wall and holding him there.  
Cas gave a small yelp of pain and shock, then he desperately tried to writhe free.  
Taking his time, Lucifer left Dean laying midst the mess of books and papers and faced the former angel. „Castiel.“ he greeted him. „It pains me, brother, to see you like this.“  
Cas looked like he tried to say something, but Lucifer didn't let him, kept talking himself instead.  
„Haven't I warned you, Castiel? Haven't I offered you to join me to avoid this unfortunate situation?“ the devil wrinkled his nose. „Just think. You had the chance to stand here with me, but you refused. Now look at what you've become. And for what?“  
At this, Cas shot a desperate glance to Dean so intense that there weren't any words needed. The look in the former angel's eyes hit him like a train and pulled him back in action. Slowly and noisily, Dean stood up.  
Lucifer didn't concern himself with the hunter and continued talking. „You fought heavenly battles, Castiel, and now you willingly reduced yourself to this pathetic cockroach.“  
Finally, he let Cas speak. „If you made me the same offer now, I'd refuse, Lucifer.“  
There was a heavy silence and Lucifer didn't answer. After a few seconds, though, he loosened his telekinetic grip on Cas and dropped him.  
Dean had the feeling the archangel would do something terrible next, so he raised his voice, sounding as derisive as he could. „So what's your game, huh?“ he asked Lucifer, mostly to distract him from Cas. The hunter didn't like the the way the devil eyed his friend. „Kill us and then torch the planet? Helluva plan!“  
„My game,“ Lucifer answered immediately, „is far bigger than that. I am going to undo my father's biggest mistake.“ Slowly, he stepped backwards, away from Cas and away form Dean, keeping his eyes on the latter. „Save his perfect world and start anew. Without you flawing the face of my father's creation. I will prove that he was wrong and make everything right.“ By now he stood almost at the other end of the room, several feet between them. „I am sending a message.“ Lucifer concluded, then his hard gaze softened when he gave Dean his horrifying little smile. „And I'll start with killing you.“ Lucifer raised the Colt, pointed it at Dean and pulled the trigger.  
Dean had heard a lot of shooting in his life and while gun fire had always been loud he kinda had gotten used to it. This was different. The noise pierced him, almost ripping apart his eardrums and scaring him unlike any shooting had since he'd been four years old.  
Then he got hit, only not by the bullet, but by Castiel.  
The impact knocked Dean back into the broken bookshelf with Cas somewhere on top of him like a dead weight. When the hunter tried to sit up and the former angel didn't move, panic surged up inside of him.  
„Cas.“ With an effort, he pushed his friend off of himself, only now noticing his pained expression. Then he saw the small wound in Castiel's chest. With a cry, Dean pushed his hands over the gaping hole, trying to keep the blood from running out of Cas. The former angel's eyes were glassy, unfocused, but not empty yet. „Please, Cas.“ Dean breathed. „Don't do this to me, man.“  
But his angel just slipped through his hands, his eyes closing forever, his muscles relaxing. „Cas?“ Only then it hit Dean that Castiel had taken the bullet for him. Only then he realized that the angel was gone. Only then the certainty of being all alone crept into his mind. And only then Dean understood that Cas was dead because of him.  
Hastily, the hunter shook the former angel as if trying to wake him. „No, no, no, no....“  
Cas couldn't be dead. He just couldn't be. Deans mind refused to accept the cold fact.  
The last years hadn't been exactly easy and a lot had changed. Dad had died first, then Dean had gone to hell and started the apocalypse. Then he had been saved and pushed around by angels, demons and other stuff, Dean's brother had left and now Lucifer walked the earth wearing Sam's skin and now the world had gone to shit entirely. Even Bobby had drowned in all that chaos. Everyone and everything Dean had ever held dear had been destroyed.  
Everything except Cas. After the angel had saved him from hell, he'd always been there, watching over Dean, even if he destroyed himself in the process. In these last years, there had been this one thing Dean had known he could count on: Castiel would be with him. Castiel wouldn't leave.  
And after all Dean had put the angel through, too. Cas had been the one thing that had kept Dean upright, the one thing that hadn't changed. The one guy who had never let him down.  
And now he hung limply in Dean's arms, gone forever and again, it was all the hunter's fault.  
„I'm sorry, Cas.“ There were tears burning in his eyes now, Dean found himself clutching Cas' body, rocking him back and forth. „I'm so sorry. Cas, please...“  
Suddenly Dean realized that he'd never been honest with Cas. The angel had never known how much Dean needed him. He'd tried to push him away to keep him safe, but he hadn't known that. Dean hadn't thanked him, not once. All the hunter had ever done was telling Cas to leave.  
And most of all Castiel had never heard Dean say how much he loved him.  
After all Cas had done for him, after all he'd sacrificed, Dean had gotten him here. Killed.  
His eyes were fixed on the angel's lifeless face, tears were now running down Dean's cheeks unchecked and uncared for. „Dammit Cas.“ A dull sob tore its way out of Dean's throat and his shoulders began to shake. Suddenly Dean felt cold and sick and paralyzed at the same time. The cruel, simple fact of Castiel's death echoed in his head, deafening him, drowning him, until the hunter's whole body shook with disgust.  
Somewhere buried beneath the deafening roar of Dean's pain, panic and fear, he registered that Lucifer turned to leave.  
Dean raised his head, shouting: „You sonofabitch!“ his voice broke mid – curse and turned it into a pathetic croak. „You better kill me now!“  
At this, Lucifer stopped and looked at him, forcing Sam's face into a wry grin. „I already have, Dean.“  
Then he disappeared and left Dean alone with the dead, broken angel.


End file.
